Rising to Anxiety

“Piece by piece I take apart,
This complicated heart,
And I hope to find
Something I can prove is real.”
—“The Letting Go” by Melissa Etheridge

I woke up around 5:30 this morning, NOT because I wanted to. There were no alarms set. After all, while that is a late hour to rise for my school year, it is an unjust hour to get up during my summers.

However, Anxiety said to me, “You’re not going back to sleep. I’m going to make your mind run nonstop about all the things you are upset about.”

Greeaaat….I might as well write about them, I figured.

So here I am, with my cup of coffee, trying to type away my demons.

Overall, I’ve been feeling much less anxious since I moved out, and it’s been a relief. But then yesterday I learned my ex got rid of our mini donkey, Jackbutt. (I just started sobbing after I typed that sentence.) It’s been one of the hardest parts of leaving—leaving behind the animals. Was I tired of constantly taking care of everything? Yes. Not because I hate animals, but because someone never appreciated what I did do, and only pointed out what I didn’t do. With my ex being a truck driver, he was gone most of the week. The house and kids and animals were my responsibility, and I apparently didn’t do a good enough job, (although I didn’t kill anything, so I thought I was doing ok).

And Jackbutt was the easiest of them all to take care of. He didn’t ask for much, just some hay and grain, and water and a few rubs, a hoof trimming every few months. All those years though, I felt terrible. Donkeys are not solitary animals, and I kept saying we need to get him a friend. When that didn’t happen, I started saying we should give him away to a family that has animals for him to protect, as that is their purpose on a farm, to protect.

You see, I wasn’t opposed to giving him away, I wanted Jackbutt to be happy. But I didn’t get to say goodbye. I took care of him for 10 years, and I DIDN’T GET TO SAY GOODBYE. 😭

I hate goodbyes. It’s why I hold onto things WAY longer than I should, like relationships. And the fact my ex didn’t even consider my feelings reminds me of how he never understood me anyway. He probably figured if I chose to leave it all behind, why would I care?

Don’t even get me started on the dog, another thing running through my mind, not allowing me to sleep. The dog was his, and went trucking with him each week. I never wanted a dog, (they are a lot of work, and my cats were not fans), but he did, and so we got our German Shepherd, Eros. And I really an animal lover, and he is the sweetest Shepherd, so of course as much of a pain in the ass he is, I love him dearly.

But he’s had health issues for years. He itches and scratches, and loses fur and bleeds from the scratching. We did try eliminating a lot of foods, as they are so sensitive to chicken, beef, eggs, etc. My ex has spent a lot of money trying to figure it out, but has only taken him to ONE vet. I kept saying get another opinion. They have to be able to figure it out. Nothing works.

Honestly, it’s one of the smaller reasons I had to walk away. I couldn’t see Eros anymore without crying. He looks miserable, and like he’s suffering, and I can barely breathe thinking about it. I’m crying again, actually. I had no control over his dog, for various reasons. I gave suggestions, and told him how I felt. Now, my ex isn’t a monster, and I know he feels terrible and cries himself about the dog, but he’s not great at…I guess I don’t even know what prevents him from doing more about this…but at this point I’ve heard his answer is possibly to “take him out back and shoot him.” The dog doesn’t deserve either. I think he needs to give the dog away too, to someone willing to put the time into figuring out what is wrong with him.

If he does do that though, (give him away, he’d better not fucking shoot him), I bet he won’t give me a chance to say goodbye. And I think about Eros all the time, and how he probably wonders what happened to me, and I hate it. I hate breaking up, which is why I hold on longer than needed. I hate sadness, and I’m so incredibly sensitive, and I cry very easily. I believe I have cried the equivalent of Lake Superior in my lifetime, that’s how much I cry.

Lake Superior, part of the Great Lakes, is the largest freshwater lake in the United States

I knew when I decided to leave it wouldn’t be easy. Even when you’re the one choosing to leave, as the song says, “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.” I know it will eventually get easier, and in many ways it already has, but it’s a long road ahead of me still.

So how do I cope? (Other than crying, lol.) I spend a lot of time reminding myself to let go of things I have no control over. I have to let go of Jackbutt, and Eros, and focus on what I can control. I remember I chose this, and it is definitely for the best, but all positives have a negative…the yin and yang. Yes, it was the right thing to leave. I remind myself to be patient, and focus on my own healing, and someday I hope it won’t hurt as much. I try to have faith things will work out for the best. After all, I didn’t get to say goodbye, but hopefully Jackbutt is happier at his new home.

Letting go…so much easier said than done. Sometimes I sing the Elsa’s song from Frozen in my head, when I’m in more of a funny mood. More often though, I hear the Melissa Etheridge lyrics play through my mind, which are more bittersweet and on point. (Quoted at the beginning of this post.)

Sometimes letting go means switching the train of thought. Instead of obsessing over the current unhappy thoughts, I try to think of something enjoyable to focus on—something positive and more in my control.

Other times I walk, allowing my thoughts to race through my mind as I focus on my feet feeling the pavement. If I put my attention on trying to step evenly, allowing my whole foot to feel contact with the ground, it refocuses my energy. I’ll listen to my body, maybe noticing my shoulders or my jaw are tight while I walk, making a conscious effort to breathe and release the tension.

Also, paying attention to nature. Even though I’m in town, there are ponds, wildflowers, flower gardens in yards, the sky, birds, and a few small patches of tall, waving grass left to be wild. Nature helps remind me of the big picture, and how lucky I am just to be alive to witness another day on this beautiful planet.