9 Lives

”And then one day you find 10 years have got behind you. No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.”

—“Time” by Pink Floyd

You’d think this post would be about cats based on the title, but it’s not. Like the quote says, it’s more about time. And midlife crises. 🫣 And let me tell you, Dreamers, a midlife crisis is not pretty. It’s tragic, and not in the beautiful way. AT ALL. Though the quote below gives me some hope.

“Time” is my favorite song by Pink Floyd. It has been for so many years, I wonder how I didn’t heed its warning? It’s true that no one told me when to run. And I didn’t hear the starting gun. I also didn’t know it was a race against myself—against my own time running out.

I recently read Tuck Everlasting with my middle school students, which is a novel that has to do with everlasting life. Given the choice, none of my students said they would live forever—the main reason being they would miss their family and friends.

It got me to thinking…what would I choose? I mean, I know how tragic life can be and sometimes I struggle so much I can’t believe I’d even consider doing it more than once, but….it is kind of appealing to my indecisive nature. Not to mention I’m old enough to realize if I lived forever, I’d likely have many families and friends, and my heart would go on (to borrow a line from the “Titanic” movie).

But at their age (13) I probably would have chosen the same since life seemed to stretch out forever. Back then I thought the options were endless too. The younger me had all sorts of ideas of what kind of life I would live once I was an adult.

One me wanted to live in a big city like New York, be a writer, be fashionable and have tons of fun friends and an amazing boyfriend—basically Sex in the City before it was even a thing.

Another me wanted to be like my dad, a free spirit who traveled around and didn’t settle anywhere, experimented with life, pot, and psychedelic drugs, maybe settling in a commune somewhere around San Francisco eventually.

Another me wanted to move to L.A. and become a famous actress and be so rich I could go wherever I wanted, have a mansion, a rich husband, sunshine and beaches all day long.

Another me wanted to travel the world, in luxury of course, with my ridiculously wealthy husband. We would be mainly in places like Paris, Greece, Venice, anywhere Mediterranean. These ideas I attribute to the Danielle Steel novels I read so much around the ages 12-16.

Throughout my youth one me was to be a writer, another a cosmetologist, another a psychologist, another a lawyer and then a judge, an actress, a social worker, and a socialite through marriage. I was all over the place.

Maybe this is part of why I relate well to cats. Or envy them. If only I had 9 lives to live.

Interestingly enough, I never saw myself as a mom. Or a teacher. Or living on of any kind of farm. Perhaps this is why midlife hit me so hard. I realized I wasn’t going to get to live endless lives—I was supposed to choose one. And I’m not sure the one I’ve ended up with is the one I want.

In all my dreamer lives I was happy, in love, had amazing friends, freedom to travel, and no worries about money. I somehow thought this things were going to just…happen. Without setting specific goals or working hard towards them. I was going to become an adult, and poof! I would be successful.

I also really felt there’d be more time. Don’t we all?

I’m sure lots of kids think this way, and then reality slaps us hard in the face and we have to learn to adult. Except that isn’t what I did. I think instead I decided to ignore adulthood, and live in some fantasy realm figuring everything would work out. Yet I do have some amazing friends, I love my kids, and my job never bores me. So it isn’t all negative.

Obviously some of my choices are expired. I’m not going to become a famous actress or a pot smoking hippie in California. I have no interest in cosmetology or law.

But whatever life it is I want to live, I’d better decide. If I want to be happy, I’d better figure out what’s holding me back. Chances are, it’s me.

And my one constant desire in life has been to write.

So this New Years I’ve decided to try this adulting thing again. To keep growing. I’ve set some goals, and I’m aware I have a lot of unknowns coming up in my future and I will need to learn to take leaps of faith and keep thinking positive (thanks Mom) and be brave. More of that to come later, but for now, I’ve probably gone on long enough.

I hope you are living the life you’ve always dreamed, and if you aren’t, you start right now! 💖⏱🏁⌛️

I may not have planned to be where I am now, but being a mom is one thing I don’t regret. I just hope, as most parents do, that I haven’t messed it up too much. Or them. 💙