Guess who’s back?

Sometimes I wonder what the old me’d say,
If he could see the way shit is today.”
–“Houdini” by Eminem

It seemed fitting to use Eminem’s latest lyrical miracle to get into today’s post since I am back. Again.

To be fair (to myself), I kinda blew up my personal life.

In February I decided to end my 15 year relationship with the father of my youngest son. He did not expect it. Or see it coming. In some ways, neither did I.

In March my son and I moved from a country house on 20 acres to a townhouse with no acres. My new roommates? My 20 year old son and his fiancée.

In April I tried to find a balance again, or at least a little sanity. I managed to throw my son a 14th birthday party. I didn’t murder anyone at work. I tried to be pleasant to my ex. I gave up on unpacking.

May had me skidding to the finish line with work, barely hanging in there, freaking about summer and what I will do for money as getting a part time job is not as easy as I thought it was going to be. Forget writing. The online world has rejected me numerous times, but not even Target is taking me. (For those who don’t know, teachers can choose to take 9 month or 12 month pay, and I have always done the 9 months.)

Now it’s June. I have no job. My ex and I are barely speaking. I could go on about the tragedies which have befallen me as of late, as though the universe is trying to tell me something. I’m still not certain what though.

So what am I doing now? I am doing my best to stay positive. To have faith. I’m learning how to be honest. To be stronger. To be brave. None of those are easy for me.

Through it all I think the best advice I got was from my stepdad. He said, “Be opposite George from Seinfeld.” George’s life is kind of a train wreck due to his life’s decisions, so one day he figures if he does the opposite of what he normally does, his life will get better. I figured it was worth a try. I tend to get stuck in my head when making life decisions, and it’s at least helped me to move forward and not stay frozen.

Have I been terrified? Yes. Felt hopeless? Yes. Have I been less anxious? Yes. Am I finding myself again? Yes.

The older I get the more I realize decisions aren’t about right or wrong. All decisions have positive and negative effects. They are more about what we can live with.

Well, Dreamers, here’s to new beginnings, and courage, and doing the opposite. I hope I will find time to share more of this journey with you, what led me to this decision, and how I have been coping. As most artists understand, it’s hard to open ourselves up to a public. Even if it’s a small audience. But part of being honest and brave means doing exactly that, if for no other reason than to let someone else out there know we all have struggles.

How about you, dear readers? What have you been through that was stressful, and how did you handle it? What do you do when you’re…not sure what to do next?